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3rd December 2004

10:46pm: When I was in junior college there was this girl who really wanted me. She'd flirt during class, try to touch me when we stopped in the halls. She made it damn clear that I could have her, any time I wanted.

One day, I got bored and decided to try her out. I invited her over and suggested we rent a movie. We ended up renting The Muppet Movie, and screwed like bunnies in heat through the entire thing, pausing occasionally to rewind the movie and hear a really bad pun. It was fun, so I invited her back for the rest of the series over the next couple of months, resulting in a mildly disturbing arousal in me every time I see a muppet.

That's right, I get horny whenever I see a children's puppet show. Take a minute and get it out of your system now.

Years later, I finally confess this secret to a friend of mine from out of town. She asks if she can tell other people about this. I tell her sure, figuring, how often do I go to visit her anyway? A little joking from a couple of people would do me some good.

The next time I go to visit her, a large group of her friends (all female) kidnap me, drag me to one of their houses, and sit me down on one of their couches.

One of them explains, "We were wondering if it was just Muppets, or all children's shows. But since you're so shy about the subject, we figured out a better way to check than just asking you."

They proceed to put in a children's animated series, and then all five of them stare intently at my crotch for the entire four hour tape.

I swear, I'm never going to get rid of this horrific fetish.

20th November 2004

3:16pm: Tales of E'ville
When I was in high school, there were two brothers whom everyone called, 'The Safety Twins.' The Safety TWins were not twins at all, but happen to be in the same grade by their birthdays, which fell almost exactly nine months from each other's.

The Safety Twins earned their name by wearing bicycle helmets, knee pads, and elbow pads while riding their bikes to school at the ripe age of 16. If they had problems falling off the bike, maybe they should be walking... And they did just that, when they beat up a weak 7th grader with their helmets. Their father took away their bike privileges and made them walk.

Even in high school hierarchy, they were the bottom of the chain. Everyone made fun of them on a daily basis, and they did nothing to help their case. They often said creepy weird things like, "Our Daddy farts too much, so we knocked him out and shoved a wine cork up his butt." Who could blame us for fucking with them.

They went to the same church as me for a little while, and I occasionally took them home afterward. After all, it was my Christian Duty to be a good neighbor. Or some shit like that. They were on my way home.

I haven't seen those boys much since those days. Just in the same store, or at the next gas pump. A quick conversation with creepy guys every once in a while. As they grew up, they seemed like different people. The youngest of the two is fairly well adjusted and normal. Well, as normal as a Safety Twin can be. The oldest, however, got creepier. I didn't really talk to him. And he didn't talk to me, either. He moved in with a butch lesbian down the road from me and bought a new VW Beetle. The kind that either women or gay guys drive. And hung a Garfield with suction cup paws on the back glass.

Their father works with me, and let me tell you... The nut doesn't fall far from that tree. He's become my workplace archnemisis. Everyone has one at some part of their lives. Mine is slow, sneaky, and steals. I hate that I have to pick up his slack every time we work together while he gets the tips. I could write 20 pages of why I don't like their father and how he's creepy, but this isn't about him.

A couple of months ago, he came to work talking about someone stealing his credit card number and ordering a bunch of porn on the internet. He named off a few like, Bookworm Bitches, Bang Bus, Cum Fiesta, and a few others. We made fun of him and laughed about him getting drunk and whacking off to porn. But he doesn't have the internet.

About a hour ago my sister told me the Oldest Safety Twin got arrested and it's on the front page. When I looked, it said he was arrested for 36 counts of child pornography. But wait, there's more! Other charges are pending on whether he shared this porn to others.

I'm sure his father is embarrassed beyond words. And I'm sure I'm going to say something grossly inappropriate. I won't be able to stop myself.

But at least I have until next Tuesday to think of a really good zinger.

15th July 2004

12:06am: i hate cars.
Well my bad luck has continued. really, i have shitty luck. it's worse than bad.

my car was overheating. I had a pinhole in my radiator overflow tank, and i thought that might be it. I replaced it and flushed my radiator this afternoon and it was still overheating so I checked the thermostat, and sure enough... it needed replacing too.
after waiting an hour for the part to come, i get it on and it did fine for about 15 minutes, then when I was about to get to work it started overheating again.

so basically I'm at a loss for what to do. I can't drive it to the coast tmrw because it's fucking up and even if I get the problem fixed in the morning... i don't want to risk driving it down there and having problems.

if anyone has any ideas on what it might be, fill me in. i'll be working on it in the morning.

so no vacation for me. i think my car is about to bite the dust. i'll try to go down again in a few weeks.

11th May 2004

2:20pm: They say you learn something new every day. I don't know about that. And I certainly don't know who this 'They' is that everyone quotes.

But I did learn something today.
If you search on google image search for the word zoolander, there are pictures of random people making that funny face.

God damn that movie sucks. And these tits are copying it and think they're cool.

If you have a picture online named zoolander and you're making that face... remove it. I'll make fun of you, too.

3rd April 2004

11:17am: A few years after leaving school and I'm at a friends birthday party, she's kind of weird and she gets a bouncy castle and invites a load of people from school she hasn't seen in a while.

There's bouncing, drinking and catching up. There is also the girl from school I had the biggest crush on and she's still stunning.

We're older, we talk, drink, catch up and bounce and end up kissing in the middle of this bouncy castle. All my birthdays have come at once, even though we both know there's nothing in it.

We cuddle goodbye and I feel great.

3 weeks later I'm at another old friends party and she's there, we dont really get time to say hello again. She spends most of the night getting it on with a guy from school who lost both his legs to a train while drunk.

Guess it was his turn to feel great.

2nd April 2004

1:32am: Chicken!
I was very excited to be going to McDonalds one breezy summer afternoon with my friend. Now, I know that going to McDonalds is not, per se, the most exciting thing to do, unless you are taking a new car through the drive-thru (isn't there a volkswagon commercial about that?) but, indeed, I was not taking a new car through the drive thru. My friend and I were going, in person, into the McDonalds to sit and eat and joke and talk and do all the things that best buds do in fast food restaurants.

Oh, and I was wearing a cow outfit.

Now, depending on who you talk to, the cow outfit was either of no importance, or of great importance to the events which followed. But, for the edification of those who think the outfit important, it was a white/black spotted jumpsuit, with horns and four strategically-placed udders which squirted milk through a little hand pump. The whole thing cost maybe $30.00 at Spencer's and was bought for halloween.

And we walked into the McDonalds that summer afternoon and went up to the counter and my friend ordered a super-sized #3. And when the teenager at the register asked me what I wanted for lunch I screamed:

"CHICKEN" as loud as I could, and filled the following silence with "WHAT THE HELL ELSE WOULD I BE HERE FOR?"

Some children laughed. Others cried. Some just left. But we sat down after that, and ate lunch and talked and laughed and did the things friends do.

16th March 2004

11:08pm: Almost dying.... again.
I once worked at a truckstop. I went into one of the bathroom stalls one night and put two of those little foil packets of mustard under the little knobs on the underside of the toilet seat. I nicked the edges of the packets and faced them forwards so that when whoever next used the john sat down it would squirt into their pants.

I'd almost forgotten about it and was cleaning up tables, when this big huge son of a bitch trucker with fucking Popeye arms come tearing out of the john with a big wad of mustard smeared toilet paper in his hamfist screaming, "Who's da muthafucka done dis? I'm gon kill da bastard!"

I was torn between the desire to yell triumphantly to the crowd that i was the one who had done the deed and my common sense telling me to keep my mouth shut and live to do it again another day.

In the silence that fell from the trucker's wrath, what escaped from my mouth was..... a giggle. A small giggle, but loud enough to be heard by the trucker. Our eyes locked. That was all it took. He KNEW.

He could run fast for a big guy. Almost caught me before I made it to my car.

28th February 2004

2:49am: Gimme Three Steps...
A couple of years ago I was at this hole in wall bar in Hattiesburg with a girl I met earlier that day. We having a great time playing pool and drinking when this guy walked in with a gun in his hand.

He looked right at me and said, "Hey asshole, what the fuck are you doing with my old lady?!"

I was scared shitless because he was big and pissed and pointing a gun at me.

And the only thing I could think of at the time was the song that just went off the jukebox moments earlier.

I said, "Wait a minute, mister,
I didn't even kiss her.
Don't want no trouble with you.
And I know you don't owe me
But I wish you'd let me
Ask one favor from you."

"Won't you give me three steps,
Gimme three steps mister,
Gimme three steps towards the door?
Gimme three steps
Gimme three steps mister,
And you'll never see me no more."

The crowd stepped back and I was hoping it somehow worked. It's no goddamn fun staring down the barrel of a gun.

By some amazing chance in hell, it did. He laughed and lowered the gun. I ran out the door.

15th February 2004

10:16pm: Atkins Diet 2.0
Traditionally, in order to avoid being a disgusting fat ugly person, teenage girls have a choice between two different paths. They could choose bulimia or anorexia to maintain a healthy body weight. While technically they could be bulimic and anorexic, only a mentally unstable person with a poor self-image would attempt such an endeavor. Both methods keep you from becoming that person that everybody rightfully hates because they are fat—I mean who would ever talk to a girl who weighted more that 95 pounds—but both bulimia and anorexia have potential health problems associated with them. Also a good deal of will power is required to maintain this state. Not any more.

With the advent of the Atkins Diet 2.0 you can eat as much as you want and don’t have to worry about forcing yourself to throw up at inconvenient times such as dinner parties or weddings. Just eat some bad uncooked beef and get yourself a tapeworm. With the new tapeworm technology you—the gluttonous social whore—can cram as much food as you want into your food hole. Instead of being processed by your body and being used to make you fat, or keep you healthy it is instead eaten by the loving family of tapeworms living inside of you. No more throwing up either, with tapeworm technology the tapeworms do all of the work. As an added plus if you live in an area of poor sanitary conditions you can spread the wealth to all of your friends for free. As you eat the tapeworm grows inside of you. You do not have to worry about high calorie foods, they just make the tapeworm happier, and don’t worry about looking too healthy; the tapeworm absorbs important vitamins and minerals so you too can look like an anorexic freak human. When you are tired of slowly starving to death just stop eating for a few days and then hold a bowl of milk up to your mouth, Mr. tape worm will come crawling out. I hope this helps you and all of the other fat people out there who just don’t know how to get thin.

30th January 2004

1:30am: My old journal got a bit cluttered with random crap, all without subjects. This made it hard made for me to find posts I wanted later.

All the random, short posts (crap) i writ will still be on my old journal.
There will be nothing but good quality posts here. haha.
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