The Safety Twins earned their name by wearing bicycle helmets, knee pads, and elbow pads while riding their bikes to school at the ripe age of 16. If they had problems falling off the bike, maybe they should be walking... And they did just that, when they beat up a weak 7th grader with their helmets. Their father took away their bike privileges and made them walk.
Even in high school hierarchy, they were the bottom of the chain. Everyone made fun of them on a daily basis, and they did nothing to help their case. They often said creepy weird things like, "Our Daddy farts too much, so we knocked him out and shoved a wine cork up his butt." Who could blame us for fucking with them.
They went to the same church as me for a little while, and I occasionally took them home afterward. After all, it was my Christian Duty to be a good neighbor. Or some shit like that. They were on my way home.
I haven't seen those boys much since those days. Just in the same store, or at the next gas pump. A quick conversation with creepy guys every once in a while. As they grew up, they seemed like different people. The youngest of the two is fairly well adjusted and normal. Well, as normal as a Safety Twin can be. The oldest, however, got creepier. I didn't really talk to him. And he didn't talk to me, either. He moved in with a butch lesbian down the road from me and bought a new VW Beetle. The kind that either women or gay guys drive. And hung a Garfield with suction cup paws on the back glass.
Their father works with me, and let me tell you... The nut doesn't fall far from that tree. He's become my workplace archnemisis. Everyone has one at some part of their lives. Mine is slow, sneaky, and steals. I hate that I have to pick up his slack every time we work together while he gets the tips. I could write 20 pages of why I don't like their father and how he's creepy, but this isn't about him.
A couple of months ago, he came to work talking about someone stealing his credit card number and ordering a bunch of porn on the internet. He named off a few like, Bookworm Bitches, Bang Bus, Cum Fiesta, and a few others. We made fun of him and laughed about him getting drunk and whacking off to porn. But he doesn't have the internet.
About a hour ago my sister told me the Oldest Safety Twin got arrested and it's on the front page. When I looked, it said he was arrested for 36 counts of child pornography. But wait, there's more! Other charges are pending on whether he shared this porn to others.
I'm sure his father is embarrassed beyond words. And I'm sure I'm going to say something grossly inappropriate. I won't be able to stop myself.
But at least I have until next Tuesday to think of a really good zinger.